Tristn – Hey hey, it’s the JA
July 1, 2008I do not have an ethnic identity.
It’s a strange thing to say to start an entry on what the Japanese American community means to me, I know, but I feel I should make it clear. I’ve spent many years struggling over who I am. I’ve finally settled on being someone from Los Angeles, where I’ve lived my entire life, but I know that is a weak personage compared to the people who infuse their identities with centuries of rich history, memories of empire, imagined nostalgia for some grandiose past whose dim, imagined phantom hangs over the far-removed heirs to its legacy. In short, they’ve got some epic stuff backing them up.
I don’t make a claim on a particular past. I don’t speak the language of my ancestors, don’t look like others of my race, don’t have the mannerisms either valued or expected of my supposed ethnic group. As I eased into my adolescence, the period of time when the individual is supposed to sort out who he is, I began to realize that I not only did not share the ethnic identity of my parents, I lacked any sort of ascribed identity, lacked the support structure that goes along with it. While I had cultivated an interest in music and acting throughout my school years, I resolved to abandon these in favor of more practical pursuits when I entered high school, thus eliminating the sole affinity I had for the identity of the artist. So, it was, like, hella ironic when I was literally begged before the day of my high school production of Fiddler on the Roof to play percussion in the orchestra pit.
More than half of the “dorkestra,” as the drama program’s orchestra called itself, came from the same middle school and the same small Japanese-Hawaiian neighborhood in Gardena, despite spanning all different grade levels. These folks became my new best friends, our bonds staying as strong as ever as we graduated one by one. I gradually became a part of not just their peer group, but the community as a whole. It became natural for their parents to be my aunts and uncles. Despite my deep religious skepticism, I was slowly integrated into the music ministry at Faith United Methodist, eventually choosing to attend regular service as well, not because of a religious epiphany, but because the community and support there was unlike anything I’d ever experienced in my piecemeal sampling of Catholic and Protestant mainstream churches. I remember my first obon, my friends embarassed to be the only people over 5 and under 60 wearing yukata, and me stumbling through my first bon odori. I think of gathering with the Watanabe family, less a visitor than a member, to hear my friend’s Nisei grandfather tell his obake stories from Hawaii. I recall my first experience with mochi on New Year’s, completely astounded anything could be so chewy and sticky.
It is these little things that have brought me into the Japanese American community. Individual instances that may be trivial and superficial by themselves, but together form a bigger picture and a greater web of people interacting with each other. I have always had a latent interest in Japan – from my childhood fascination with Godzilla to the days spent as a toddler in the house of my grandfather, who was born in the Japanese American fishing community of Terminal Island, lived in Japan after World War II and, rumour has it, started his first family there. But, the relatively short period of time in which I’ve actually participated in the Nikkei community means I don’t have a lifetime of experience, haven’t participated in community organizations or the ubiquitous sports leagues, and am still very much conscious of being an outsider when I step outside that small, church-centered community.
But, to me, the Japanese American community has a more personal significance. I still lack an ethnic identity. I don’t identify myself as Caucasian-, Mexican-, Jewish-, Japanese-, or any other sort of American. But I feel like I can identify with the Japanese American community. I can relate to the values, and the support structure that my Japanese American community has offered is something that had never before existed in my life. I realize that I still know far less about the culture, have far less perspective on the various goings-on than most, probably including all my fellow interns. But, I hope through this program to learn more, realize a broader picture, and most importantly, do something to give back to the wider community that has done so much for me.
That’s really great that you have found not only a niche in the JA commuity, but that you identify yourself with it. Although you mentioned that you don’t have a specific past, there is definitely a rich history in your grandfather’s life and his experiences. I think it’s also a part of this globalizing world that these exchanges of culture and identity are constant. Its also interesting to understand how our life history is where we draw a large part of our ethnic and personal identities from.
Do you ever feel like people want to place you into a certain culture or community- for instance, I always feel like it’s hard for me to be anything other than at least Asian American just because that’s what they see on the outside. I wonder how our identities would evolve if we all had the same physical appearance- but expressed out different cultural upbringings or unique identities only through our personalities and actions…or something like that. just a strange musing.
wow, you are a much braver obon-goer than me. i’m always too scared to do the bon odori dancing!
it sounds like you’ve had a really meaningful experience with the JA community, perhaps even more meaningful than any “grandiose” ideas of heirtage of legacy because you’ve taken all the pieces and put them together yourself.
As it’s been mentioned, I think that it’s great that you have been able to identify with the JA community. I don’t think you necessarily have to make a claim on a particular past or being able to speak an ethnic language from your back ground, but you have your own values and experiences that help to make you who you are. Especially with your music as an artist, it’s another part of who you are and another broader community you can identify with. I think it’s also awesome that you are so open minded to new knowledge to be able to give back to a community that has been important in your life.
while i dont now if this necessarily applies to you, as a hapa myself and someone who discusses this with other hapas pretty often, it is really hard to cultivate any kind of ethnic idea when you are mixed. the fact is, you DONT share your parents ethnic identity, which is usually the foundation for the child’s identity. and family parties? i mean, hanging out with my mom’s family is okay, but it’s pretty weird when they’re all white and gingers (you know, red haired), and then my siblings and i definitely are not. i think you’re incredibly lucky to have found a community regardless in hs, because not everyone has the opportunity to accidentally fall into that kind of support structure that happens to correlate with their heritage. just remember that identity is fluid, and you can identify however you want, regardless of what other people expect from you.
I enjoyed reading your post, mainly because of your first sentence: “I do not have an ethnic identity.” I personally struggle with my own ethnic identity, and so the fact that you say you do not have one, but are still able to identify with the community and the values is intriguing to me. It makes me think that perhaps I’m thinking too hard, and that perhaps ethnic identity and community are two separate things…?? I tend to think that ethnic identity = community = ethnic identity. Hmm, thanks Tristan!
I hope that you don’t always feel “conscious of being an outsider” within the larger JA community! After starting college and leaving my hometown, I struggled with that idea as well, questioning if I was fit to be included in the community. After a certain point, I stopped trying to put myself into the mold of the “typical” JA (and if this year’s NCI interns is any indication, that “typical” isn’t so typical) and embraced all of my unique experiences. I finally came to the conclusion that within the JA community, there is room for me to define my own place in the community. I hope that your NCI experience helps you to feel more comfortable in the larger community!!